


If You Need Anything

by RisingPhoenix761



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 14 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 21:38:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16416431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RisingPhoenix761/pseuds/RisingPhoenix761
Summary: When everything gets to be too much, your friend Cas is there to help you cope





	If You Need Anything

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a horrible year from a mental health standpoint, for myself and for people I care about, and what we've seen of Cas so far this season made me want to write this. For self-care, y'know?

You finally left the war room at around three AM, leaving Sam, Mary, Bobby and the rest to keep talking and planning and trying to come up with some answers. All of you had been searching for weeks, but there was no sign of Dean...or of Michael. The archangel had disappeared off the radar and taken one of your closest friends with him.

Not bothering to turn on the light in your room, or even changing your clothes, you simply kicked off your shoes and sat down on the bed, staring into the darkness. It had been a hard day, one of the hardest ones since Dean and Michael went missing... The slightest noise was suddenly too loud, you were frantic to move and yet trying to hold still and not draw anyone's attention, sobs filling your throat that had you clenching your teeth to keep quiet. You could feel the breakdown coming, but God please, not in front of the others...you had to keep it together for a little longer...

Sitting alone in the dark with everything that tormented you, there was a weight pressing down on you, inside you, an all-too-familiar feeling that would have destroyed you a long time ago if not for these people who had saved you and become your family. You couldn't let them see how hard it was to keep fighting after everything they had already done for you, but it was so hard some days, and with part of your family gone...

A quiet sob escaped past your lips and the tears finally started to fall. Who were you to be a part of the Winchesters' world anyway? You were only in the bunker because there was nowhere for you to go after they managed to free you from the demon possessing you, but they didn't count on the demons in your mind dragging you down. You were useless. You were an okay hunter with what they taught you, but you were a liability in the field. You weren't a research genius or a lore expert or a weapons guru, anything that could contribute under ordinary circumstances, and now that Michael had disappeared with Dean you could do nothing to help get him back.

You should have died back when the demon had you.

Your shoulders shook with the force of your crying as everything you had been holding in came spilling out...

There was a soft knock on your door before it opened a crack, letting in a brief chink of light that was obscured by the outline of a figure in the hallway. "May I come in?"

Cas. "Yeah," you replied, taking several deep breaths and wiping the tears from your face.

He stepped into your room and left the door open, the meager light from the hallway illuminating the space just enough to see by.  You moved over to give him space to sit next to you and he sat down, folded hands resting in his lap. "You've seemed stressed lately," he observed.

You let out a _tsk_ noise against your teeth, still trying to dry your eyes without him noticing. Stressed. Right.

"You've hardly eaten the last few weeks," he went on, "and you don't look like you've slept, either. And every time I've looked at you today, you've looked like you're... _barely_ keeping yourself together. I'm starting to worry about you."

"I'm fine, Cas," you tried to reassure him.

"You're just saying that. Are you really?"

"Yeah, I'm..." You paused, then sighed. "Whatever. It doesn't matter."

"Well, if it doesn't matter, then why is it affecting you so much?"

"It's not--Cas, I--" You made a noise of irritation and dropped your head into your hands. "I don't _know_ , Cas. I'm just...worried about Dean."

"Yes," he agreed. "We all are. But there's more to it than that."

"I'm _fine_."

He didn't say anything, but by the light from the hallway you could see him tilt his head the way he did when he didn't quite believe what he was hearing.

There was silence for several moments. He didn't try to push you into talking, he just sat next to you, ready to listen if you decided to say something. And eventually you did.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I just...can't seem to keep myself together. I get into a mood, I guess, and I can't get out of it, like I'm sinking into quicksand and I have no way to pull myself out. Sometimes I'm all right again later, others it's like I've stopped sinking but I'm still stuck, and one move and I'll start sinking again. And it's not like I've had such a terrible life that would justify feeling like this. I don't understand it, Cas."

"You were possessed by a demon," he replied softly. "I think by many standards, that would be considered terrible."

You shook your head. "It's been going on even longer than that," you told him. "Sam thinks it might have made it easier for the demon to get its hooks in me. All I know is, I'd been in the worst rut of my life. I mean, it was... _bad_. First I didn't think there was any way out of it, then I started...thinking of ways out of it. That's when the demon came."

Cas nodded. "Depression. It can make you vulnerable to demonic possession. And from what I've seen, it can happen to anyone. Strictly speaking, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain, so it has nothing to do with having a terrible life. And when you think of it that way, it seems...unreasonable, to expect yourself to just snap out of it."

"I get that. It's just that...as long as I'm like this, I'm at risk for another demon to just swoop in and take over, and make me their puppet. I mean, even Dean couldn't stop Michael from taking over, and he's one of the strongest people I know."

"Those were...extraordinary circumstances."

"How so? I've been...I've been sinking again, Cas. I can feel myself going back to where I was before I was possessed and I can't stop it. You, Sam, and Dean saved me once, but...I'm scared. I can't even save myself. It's just...it's going to be like this until I die, isn't it?"

Cas sighed and took a moment to answer, and you knew he was thinking about his words. "It might," he finally admitted. "Sometimes things like that don't just go away. But something I've learned about humanity in all the time I've spent watching you, you are some of the most miraculous beings in Creation. You fall, you fail, circumstances bring you down, you sometimes rip each other apart, but no matter how many times you're pushed down, you get back up like you were born to do it. I've never seen that kind of resilience, defiance, and determination in any other creature, and I think that's where God made you _truly_ unique.

"As for you, you've been through hell and come out on your own feet. I can tell you with total certainty that few humans have ever survived being possessed, but you did, and I believe that was for a reason. There's still work for you to do, there are people who care about you and believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. And I understand why you're afraid, but you have to take care of yourself if you're going to keep fighting. Sam, Dean and I, all the rest of us, we care about you and much as we want to make your pain just...go away, there's only so much we can do for you. You _have_ to be in your own corner and fight for yourself, because at the end of the day, your survival, your happiness, it all depends on you. And we're all here to help you fight. Don't ever doubt that."

Tears were falling again before he even stopped talking, and for several moments after he fell silent you couldn't respond, letting the tears come while you tried to think of something to say. Cas was the first to admit, and no one would contradict him, that his judgement sometimes left a little to be desired, but his faith was rarely misplaced. To hear his faith in you didn't completely lift you out of your downward spiral, but it put enough heart in you to climb back up.

He reached out and covered your hand with his and said, "If there's ever anything you need, we're all here for you. Just say the word."

You gave a tiny shrug. "I need a hug," you replied, half jokingly.

He nodded seriously. "Come here. Let me help you with that."

You paused, then leaned into his open arms. He held you tight to him and you rested your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. You were so used to holding everything inside and dealing with it alone, never letting anyone inside your head, afraid they would see how screwed up you were and decide to walk away. Not these people, though. Not Cas. His quiet sympathy and understanding made you start to wonder if leaning on someone wasn't such a bad idea. The angel had had lifetimes to observe mankind's best and brightest, and he chose to be your friend. That meant more to you than you could explain in this lifetime or any other.

When he finally drew away from you, he kissed you on the forehead and said, "Promise you'll let me know if it starts getting to be too much."

You nodded. "I promise. Thanks, Cas."

"It's my pleasure. Now try to sleep, and I'll bring you something to eat when you wake up."

Hard as it was to accept his fussing over you, you knew he was trying to care for you, and his effort made you want to _try_ , for his sake if nothing else. You stretched out on your bed, working your way under the covers, and with a final "Sleep well," Cas left your room. Experience said it would take awhile before your mind would let you sleep, but you refused to let it trouble you right now. Cas was right, there was still work to do.


End file.
